Our Secret to 10 Happy Years

…they haven’t always been happy.

Creating an anniversary Reel has become one of my favorite traditions; a personal highlight reel I can revisit anytime, like my own little home movie. It’s a chance to reflect on the past year of our marriage and celebrate the moments that made it special. This year’s reel is full of road trips, renovations, and adventure. Looking at all those pictures and videos, it’s easy to forget that between the smiles and snapshots, there were also some hard moments. You won’t see those on social media, which is exactly why I want to call them out here. While I’m just one perspective, I’m willing to bet that anyone who’s made it to 10, 20, or 50+ years together would agree: you get that far not because it’s always happy, but because you don’t let the unhappy stop you.

I am not referring to the unhappy that comes from abuse or very real reasons to separate; I believe in divorce and believe for many people that it is the right decision. The kind of unhappy I am referring to is the difference of opinion and the frustrating conversations that come from being two different people with different wants, different needs, and different purposes in this world.

I am thinking about this right now because I am on Grand Cayman Island, celebrating our 10-year anniversary, and I am currently alone. Andrew has taken the first two mornings of our trip to go scuba diving and I have chosen to stay back at the hotel. I love my husband fiercely, and yet I also love (and need) time alone. Earlier on in our relationship, I would have gone with him, and I would have been uncomfortable, cranky, and would have denied myself what I needed in an attempt to put him first. Now, 10 years wiser, I know if we try to follow someone else's rule for happiness we'll always come up short.

I remember when I had my bridal shower, I had a jar filled with notes where people had put their own advice for marriage. When I read through all the notes a few days later I laughed out loud when I found two that were similarly themed. The first said “don’t go to bed angry” and the second said, “it’s okay to go to bed angry.”

Now I don’t remember who wrote the first one, but I remember the second was from my sister who this week is celebrating 16 years of marriage. The point I want to make is that every couple is different. Some need to hash it out before bed. Others will be better in the morning after sleep. And others may just let some things go because over the years you learn to recognize the conversations that are important and the ones that are just the result of being hangry.

When I say we’ve made it 10 years, I don’t mean we’ve mastered marriage. I mean we’ve learned how to honor each other’s humanity. We’ve learned how to pause before reacting, how to laugh at the absurd timing of a disagreement, and how to say “I’m sorry” even when it’s hard. We’ve learned that love isn’t always loud or poetic, it’s often quiet, practical, and deeply personal.

This morning, I watched the waves roll in while sipping coffee alone, and I felt grateful. Not just for the sunshine or the view, but for the kind of relationship that lets me be here, fully myself, fully loved. That’s the real milestone. Not the perfect trip or the flawless photos, but the mutual understanding that we’re in this together, even when we’re apart.

So, if you’re in a relationship - romantic or otherwise - that sometimes feels messy or imperfect, I hope you know that doesn’t mean it’s broken. It might just mean it’s real. And real love, the kind that lasts, is built not on avoiding the unhappy, but on learning how to move through it with grace, humor, and a whole lot of patience.