Putting in the Reps
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Somewhere along the way, adulthood picked up this idea that friendship is supposed to look like a perfectly assembled group photo: a tight‑knit crew that brunches every weekend, takes annual trips, and moves through life as a single, smiling unit. Social media reinforces it, sitcoms normalize it, and suddenly the absence of a “friend group” can feel like a personal shortcoming rather than a simple reflection of how most people actually live.
But research shows that the picture we’re sold isn’t the norm. Many adults don’t operate inside a single, cohesive group; instead, they maintain a constellation of individual friendships that matter deeply in different ways. As The Atlantic recently reported, feeling lonely and being socially isolated are not the same thing; most Americans still report having several close friends, even if those friendships don’t gather around the same table.
All this was running through my mind when I was trying to decide what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday. I thought about throwing a big party, then realized I wouldn't actually get to talk to most people there; while I thoroughly enjoy crafting events that spark joy and bring people together, the times I enjoy the most aren't the big, orchestrated events but the small, unhurried ones that don’t photograph well but stay with you anyway.
Like sitting on the couch with my sister‑in‑law at 1 a.m. on Christmas morning, just talking about life; having the kind of conversation that only unfolds when you’ve stayed long enough to get past the small talk. Or floating on a dock with a friend as she told me her company was downsizing, giving us the time and emotional space to talk through the fear and uncertainty that doesn't fit neatly into a text thread.
Those moments aren't big or glamorous, but they're the glue that holds together real friendships. I've recently started referring to them as putting in the reps.
In the gym, you don’t build strength by lifting something heavy once but through repetition; through the steady, consistent work that slowly reshapes you. Friendship works the same way. It’s not the rare, dramatic gestures that create closeness but rather the accumulation of small, repeated choices. The text you send. The coffee you make time for. The conversation you don’t rush. The willingness to sit with someone in their uncertainty instead of trying to fix it.
Reps aren’t glamorous and they’re not meant to be. But they’re what build the muscle - the trust, the ease, the history - that makes a relationship feel sturdy. The reps may be ordinary, but the relationships they build never are.
